Recently I found my thoughts drifting back to contemplate something I have thought about a lot over the past few years: the concept of uncertainty. Every so often (as evidenced by my journal entries from these years of my life) I would find myself in unfamiliar waters, uncomfortable with what I was I was being faced with but not knowing how to navigate through. Each time I wrote about uncertainty, I seemed to be pondering something that only led me deeper into the unknown.
As I was reflecting, I realised I had written about feeling uncertain and having no idea how something would eventuate enough for it to be something I wanted to consider more deeply. My seemingly unanswerable contemplations led me to wonder if perhaps I needed to better understand where my perspectives of uncertainty were coming from. After many sentences of reflections, and eventually finding my present self yet again in what felt like the depths of uncertainty, I came to the (perhaps obvious) realisation that life is inherently uncertain. When I considered the inherent nature of uncertainty—it is always going to be there—I thought about how such an intrinsic entity existing in our lives should be not be considered as something that could be willed away or avoided altogether, because, in one way or another, it would always be a part of life.
I I felt compelled to question my perspectives of uncertainty, so decided to question myself: were the uncomfortable feelings associated with uncertainty really as unpleasant as I was interpreting them to be (I had always found myself wanting to be spared from the discomfort it brought in not-knowing), or if I was using it to justify an (unrealistic) impatience at wanting to know how my life was going to eventuate? I began to consider this concept which I had always seen as ‘negative’ as perhaps something quite the opposite: what if uncertainty is actually a good thing? What if all the discomfort that comes along with it is actually a sign we are growing and taking our lives in a more adventurous direction? With this in mind, I began to delve into my little ‘project in uncertainty’.
I am currently in the depths of my mid-twenties, feeling strangely as though I’ve been living in this decade of my life for significantly longer than reality. From the beginning of my twenties until now, I have experienced more versions of myself and life experiences than I ever expected to have encountered by this age. This decade of life is where the life paths of people diverge in almost incomprehensibly vast ways. Because of this, I think uncertainty is naturally more prevalent than at other times of our lives. I am living a life where almost every aspect of my reality is different than what I had imagined it would have been ten, five, and even only a few years ago.
Growing up, I always had the belief (no doubt instilled in my logic of thought from a society that values the ‘traditional milestones’) that by the age I am now, I would have established the foundations considered by society to make for a ‘good’ life: a relationship, a stable job, and a house. Even as I approached the beginning of this decade of life, and realised I perhaps didn’t want to follow this prescribed societal route in the traditional way, I still assumed I would have at least a vague version of this life by now. As I am nearing my 27th birthday, I am happy regardless of not having all of these ‘milestones’ at this point in my life. But what I do find difficult is trying not to get caught up in thoughts of what my future will look like. I still find myself searching for a clearer path forward and occasionally wishing I had some idea of what my future will hold.
Not knowing my plans even a few months into the future feels as though it has become a recurring theme of my life over the past few years. Even during the times I did know how my life would vaguely be shaped over the following few months, I would still find myself eventually wandering into the unknowingness of uncertainty. During times of uncertainty, I always felt a palpable sense of discomfort at not knowing where I would be and what I would be doing in the future (though I don’t mean for the future which stretched far beyond into the rest of my life; rather, for the upcoming year, or at least the next few months).
Looking back, I think I felt as though I was falling into the throes of discomfort every time I neared the closing of a chapter because at each of these points in time I was soon to move beyond my current endeavour, and therefore knew my life was going to (and had to) change in many ways. Some of these notable times were felt as I approached the end of my Master’s degree, the end of my Korean language programme in Korea, and the months leading up to when I had decided to move abroad.
The thread of uncertainty connecting all of these events felt as though it became thicker and more noticeable as time progressed, and only served to remind me of how little I knew about what I was doing, and the kinds of decisions I should make to accompany me into the next part of my life. When I thought about my plans and the life I was shaping, the vision I had was barely a sketch, yet I was always hoping it would resemble something of a detailed painting.
Though with all this being said, am I glad things have turned out the way they have? Absolutely. And it only could have eventuated into this life with all of the uncertainty that was part of my path to getting here. After all, when have I ever ended up doing something as planned? Almost all of the wonderful opportunities and experiences I have had in my twenties came about unexpectedly; I could not have foreseen them in my future, and I definitely could not have experienced them had it not been for the uncertainty preceding them. That’s not to say I was glad I had to encounter a great deal of uncertainty, but it is an acknowledgement that one could not have existed without the other.
As I delved further into my reflections on uncertainty, I realised that I had found myself subconsciously trying to control the outcomes of my desires and decisions, and it was taking me out of enjoying where I was at that point in my life. Inhabiting a place of uncertainty is inhabiting a place where control feels very far out of the reach of your hands; it is something that is asking you understand that not everything in life is up to us, or is something we can willingly shape, so to go forward knowing that everything will work out (just perhaps not as quickly, or in the ways you had imagined they would). Uncertainty is not obtaining the fruits of life instantaneously and without burden; rather, it is a slow unravelling of life, and a process we must coexist with until things became clearer.
When I reflect on all the times I’ve felt myself moving deeper into the waters of uncertainty, I realise that what I truly wanted was not to return to the shores of the familiar, but for those currents to take me to waters I had not ventured to before. I wanted to experience as much as I could of life’s offerings. However, what these currents could not offer me was a journey devoid of discomfort, so I had to shift my perspective from it being something that too much of was intolerable, to accepting it was a necessary part of life. Had I let myself passively ride the current, or returned to calmer waters, I would never have allowed myself the opportunities to experience all that I have.
After all of my pondering about uncertainty, I realise I probably had always misunderstood it. Rather than being something to try and avoid—it can be a little scary at times, and is inherently uncomfortable—uncertainty is the path beyond comfort that allows us to discover the facets of life we may not otherwise have found. It is part of the experience that is life. Uncertainty invites and encourage us to consider things beyond what we expect, and to sometimes take a path that will lead us towards a different adventure. The unexpected moments and experiences, or chance encounters that we often hear people speak of, usually emerge from the part of life where uncertainty dwells. This place of not-knowing is one we should all visit from time to time. After all, you never know where you may find something unexpected or wonderful.
Some days, I find it very hard to feel okay with not knowing, and feel lost in the maze of potential choices I could make. But as much as I can, I try to live freely, without the expectation to know what is coming. When I feel myself resisting uncertainty and seeking out more certain waters, I imagine knowing everything my life had in store for me. The not-knowing aspect of uncertainty is a little scary at times, but it is nowhere near as scary as certainty.
From now on, when I feel myself drifting into the waters of uncertainty, rather than trying to return to the waters of the familiar, I will allow myself to embrace the direction of the current. Will I know where I’ll end up? No. But the lessons I have learnt from this ‘project in uncertainty’ have reminded me that in a life where we will always be faced with questions about the future, I will always choose to see the not-knowing in uncertainty as the potential for boundless opportunities and adventures, and a chance to find the unexpected.
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